The past few weeks, having finished the big thing that took up six years, I’ve ended up thinking about the future, which is a bit of a weird feeling. Since having ME I have learned that future plans never really happen the way you want them to, so I’ve sort of ended up having a ‘live in the moment’ way of thinking because at least then you don’t get disappointed when these plans fall through.
When I was first ill I had all these plans, to go to a physical university and get a degree, then maybe work as a graphic designer and just stay in that field and work my way up. Then I couldn’t do my AS and A levels, didn’t have the energy to do a BTEC in design and wouldn’t have managed to go through a normal university education. Those were my main plans and they were big but even the smaller things, going to live concerts, parties and even school trips and things weren’t really the best idea. I ended up having to cancel a few times on the night, I remember getting to a gig venue a couple of times and just feeling too weak to go inside so I had to go home. I did eventually learn about resting and recovery time but I think all the disappointments kind of taught me to not be too worried about plans and not make anything too far in the future.
Has anyone else found that? Like it becomes a habit, a way of living to not plan too much because if you do and you can’t do something it’s even more disappointing? I’ve learnt to not feel too guilty if I have to cancel plans last minute, that was one thing that I used to hate, I’d feel so bad for cancelling meeting with other people that it just made me more ill as well. Since learning that, I’m not sure I’d call it a skill, maybe mindset, I’ve found that I can make more plans and get less stressed out leading up to them which in turn means I have a bit more energy to actually do them than I would have when I was getting all stressed and worrying about whether I’d be able to go and how the others would feel about me not being able to be there.
I guess this is how most people feel when university ends, you sort of have the end of this big part of your life, everything was fairly planned out, and now there’s nothing really concrete to rely on. I wish I could work on something to do with my degree, another thing lots probably think too. Anything to do with computers or design would be great, I wish I could even find something where I could work from home and do it with flexible times. If I could work an hour or two every couple of days and maybe do more when I was able it’d be pretty much my ideal job. I wouldn’t be able to manage working regular hours or going in somewhere to work as almost all of my energy would be taken on the actual journey there rather than the job itself. I am working on my energy levels but after the big assignments I took a big hit in that area and I’m still not really up to going out apart from appointments or ten minutes shopping so it’s kind of disheartening when this sort of thing happens and it’s like I’m back to four or five years ago.
Now I’m thinking about the future and it’s kind of scary, it’s hard to actually see what’s going to happen because I don’t have the energy to work and even when I’m starting my own business that’s going to take a while to get going, if it does become successful enough to live off, and in the mean time I have to try and find things to do. I will make plans, I guess at the moment a lot of it hangs on whether the jewellery making business works, whether I can make that successful or not. So it’s all kind of waiting and seeing which I’m never that good at.
In the mean time I’m going to work on my jewellery, come up with new ideas for that and going to finally actually get some more work on this layout. I meant to do my own header and find a better layout to go with it but I haven’t had the time and energy for that. I’ll get to actually work on my art too, maybe see if anything I do could be sold when I do local craft markets with the jewellery. I have a few pictures I started a couple of years ago that just haven’t been finished yet, which I really want to spend some time on.
Health wise I know I’m going forwards, this low health at the moment is a blip, I’ve got some diagnosis (what’s the plural of diagnosis?) and going forward with them and compared to ten years ago I am a lot better, even than four or five years ago I can manage more and without my energy going into my coursework I’ll be able to spend it on other things. I’ll just have to learn how much energy I should spend on everything all over again when I start selling things, I can see myself getting very into that and spending more energy than I should in that and getting set back a bit again.
Overall it’s positive, it’s just a bit of an odd feeling and not something I’m used to. I’m not sure whether this post really comes across as positive, I’ve sort of felt a bit down with the whole health side of it recently but I’m starting to feel more positive even if I’m still not feeling great so maybe I’m recovering a bit of energy. I’m hoping to go somewhere on Friday so crossing my fingers my legs don’t feel as wobbly and I’m less achy then. I’d like some calf or knee length boots and a jumper as I don’t really have either for this year so I will be organised for once and get them early rather than ending up rushing them when it’s actually cold and not ending up with exactly what I want. I think this is the first year I’m being organised about Christmas too.
This post sort of ended up different than when I first wrote it, I just had one of those days where my brain isn’t quite awake. I plugged my computer into the power thing when it said it was low but forgot to check it was plugged into the mains and lost half of this post because I hadn’t saved it in the time between starting it and it turning off. Other than that it’s been a onesie and warm drinks day, it’s getting a bit more autumnal out so it’s always nice to be cuddled up inside when it starts to get cooler. I think most of my feeling cold was just my ME tricking my body into thinking it was colder than it actually is but it’s still a nice feeling.
Hope you’re all ok and enjoying this slightly more autumnal weather, I love this time of year and the leaves are starting to turn so pretty outside.